


A Fairy Tale

by inoru_no_hoshi



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: AU, Crack, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-12
Updated: 2012-03-12
Packaged: 2017-11-01 21:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inoru_no_hoshi/pseuds/inoru_no_hoshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only Adam would make Neil do something <em>this</em> fucked up as a forfeit for losing a bet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fairy Tale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [litsasecret](https://archiveofourown.org/users/litsasecret/gifts).



> So, I don't think I can adequately convey the level of crack this is merely by tagging it as crack. It is positively _cracktacular_. Written in... Hm, I'm guessing November 2010? (The AU tag is purely because I remembered Tommy's fear of heights _after_ it was finished - and possibly posted - and it doesn't really work right if I take that into account, so.) I really, really apologise for the awful "Old English"; in my defense, imagining them talking like this is _hilarious_!
> 
> Written for the prompt _any, any, off into the setting sun_ on [fic_promptly](http://fic-promptly.dreamwidth.org), and also for [litsasecret](http://archiveofourown.org/users/litsasecret/pseuds/litsasecret), who wanted Neil/Tommy.

It's fucking cheesy.

Hell, it's so far outside of Neil's character that, instead of sitting uncomfortably on horseback - and God, who the fuck designed saddles to press right into a guy's junk? - he should be standing on the sidelines and laughing his ass off.

Instead, that's what Adam's doing. Oh, he knows it just looks like a grin that's maybe a bit too wide, but he can _tell_. Siblings have radars for that shit.

"Why am I doing this, again?" he asked, shifting in the saddle and then swearing when the horse side-stepped nervously.

"Because you lost the bet," Adam replied, grin somehow growing wider, and Neil kinda wishes he could punch it right off his face.

"Also because Tommy thought it'd be funny," Isaac chimed in. "And you're a sucker for making Tommy happy. Now go on, quit making him wait."

"Shut the fuck up," Neil said, knowing it wouldn't do any good. he glanced over and scowled at Isaac's camera. "I swear, if this gets Twitter-leaked, I am fucking your shit up."

"No worries, man, it's for my entertainment."

"And that makes me feel _so_ much better," Neil snarked, rolling his eyes. He jabbed the horse in the sides with his heels, swearing as it jerked into a trot, and did his damndest to aim it towards the makeshift tower. Which was actually a tall tree with some crappily painted sheets pretending they were stone walls. He stopped off-center in front of it, ignoring the laughter from the peanut gallery, and looked up into the branches.

Tommy was sitting up there, dressed in a "tunic" that was actually a shirt borrowed from Adam, tights, and some low-heeled ankle boots. He was swinging his feet in the air, and Neil would swear up and down he was smirking at him. Little shit.

Neil crossed his arms and glared up at Tommy. "Oh fair maiden, whence came thou to be in this tower?" he asked, voice flat.

Behind him, he heard Adam cracking up, and he gritted his teeth and told himself he could kick Adam later. _Fuck you very much, Adam,_ he thought viciously.

"Good sir, I was brought hence by a foul sorcerer who desires to use me most heinously," Tommy replied in a breathy little voice, though Neil could hear the suppressed giggle.

"Say not so. What creature that calleth himself man would dare use one so fair as thee wrongly?" And, okay, so maybe it would be better if he actually put inflection in the words, but he was damned if he was going to indulge these fuckers that much.

Tommy bit his lip, obviously suppressing laughter, and answered, "He calleth himself Taylor, and is evil beyond what thou can'st imagine! Prithee, leave before he cometh and see'st thou!"

"Churlish indeed would I be to abandon thee to thy cruel fate," Neil said.

"But wise," Taylor said, striding out from behind some bushes, wearing what had to be one of Adam's coats, because it was way too large on him, and brandishing a stick that had been painted black and covered with dark rhinestones at one end. What the hell, Taylor. "For I am come already, and 'tis surely the ringing of thy death knell I hear, for thou shalt not leave this place as but ashes, for the fair Tommy is mine!"

"Knave," Neil accused, and drew the foam sword Sasha had insisted on strapping to his back, "turn and flee, for if thou come'st but one step closer, I shall strike thee down."

"Such bravery," Taylor mocked, and cackled evilly. And, okay, that was hilarious. He would _never_ admit it, though. "I commend thee. Come, then, and strike me, brave knight! Success shan't be thine!"

Neil sighed, and looked at Tommy, who made a little shooing motion. And that was definitely a smirk. Fucker. "I shall," he agreed with nowhere near the amount of enthusiasm such a declaration would ordinarily warrant, and nudged the horse towards Taylor. (And god _damn_ it, he was going to make Adam pay for the bruises to his junk.)

Taylor twirled the stick, saying something under his breath, and somewhere a piece of metal got rattled as Neil swept by and deliberately missed. And what the hell, who decided to do sound effects? That was _not_ something he'd agreed to. Following the script Adam had blackmailed him into agreeing to, Neil took his feet out of the stirrups and deliberately fell off the horse's back, and _fuck_ , he'd make Adam pay for the bruises on his _ass_ , too.

"Fuck," he hissed and stood up.

Taylor snickered at him, then got back into character with another cackle. "Thou see'st? I am untouchable! Thy puny sword is no match for my arcane powers!" He paused, and directed a mad, sly grin at Neil. "But thou see'st, I am a generous man. Thou still may'st leave here alive, and I shan't think less of thee. The lady, however, may'st never forgive thee."

"The lady's opinion sways me," Neil said, glancing up at Tommy, who had his hands clasped at his heart and a grin on his face that was definitely against the script, but apparently everyone was too busy laughing at Neil to pay attention to Tommy breaking character. He rolled his eyes and added, "So I shall disappoint thee, and stay, for on my honor thou shall not defile the maiden lest 'tis over my cooling corpse!"

Taylor cackled. "I am amenable to this," he agreed. He raised his voice and gestured at Tommy. "Look thou now, lady, thy hero's dead body shalt be my gift to thee ere I take thee!"

"Nay!" Tommy cried, stretching a hand out quickly, then swearing and steadying himself by grabbing onto the tree. Balance regained, he continued, "Good sir, flee! Thy death would'st serve me no comfort, and I see'st now that not even a man of such prowess as thee can'st save me from this foul sorcerer!"

"This is such fucked up tripe," Neil said loudly, lowering his sword. "Seriously, Adam, what the hell were you smoking when you wrote this?"

"Nothing," Adam replied through his laughter.

"The fact that you wrote this sober fills me with so much horror, I can't find enough words to quantify it," Neil snarked.

"Fuck you, too," Adam said cheerfully. "Now get back in character, or I'll tell Isaac to leak pictures."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me, bitch."

"I don't give a fuck if Sutan kills me for fucking your face up," he threatened, pointing the sword at his brother. "I am _so_ fucking you up later." He turned and looked at Tommy, cleared his throat, and said darkly, "Lady, on my honor I shan't flee. Though dark be my future, if I can but take his foul visage into death with me, I shall call it a triumph."

Taylor managed to turn his laughter into more cackling. "So charming!" he declared. "And when we have already proven thou can'st not even touch me with thy blade." He quieted and twisted his face into an expression of hate. "But thy puny attempts no longer amuse me. Ie-day!" he shouted, and thrust the stick at Neil.

The metal rattled again, joined by a god-awful ululation that a horrified glance at Adam and the others proved to be them howling at the top of the voices while _still_ laughing, and Neil flung himself backwards and laid still, sword held loosely across his chest.

Taylor laughed madly and strode over to prod him with the toe of his boot. "And so another hath fallen, and so easily. Such a shame a knight learneth not that a sorcerer cannot be beaten by fair means."

"Then what think'st thou of foul?" Neil asked suddenly, sitting up and thrusting the foam sword "into" Taylor by dint of shoving it between his arm and torso. As Taylor stepped back, stick falling from his fingers and an utterly ridiculous expression of outraged shock on his face, Neil pushed himself back to his feet and bore down on the blade, "forcing" Taylor to his knees. "Thou madest one mistake, sorcerer," he said, "and that is the assumption that I am a knight. For indeed I am nothing less than the prince of this realm, and thy magicks affect not my blade."

Taylor's eyes widened. "Thou blocked it," he said, amazed. "That is why thou held'st it across thy chest."

"So thou see'st," Neil agreed, and "shoved" Taylor to the ground. "Quick I needed to be, and proved just fleet enough." He yanked the sword "out" of Taylor.

"So thou hast defeated me. Well done!" Taylor let out a burbling cackle, and looked at the "tower". "But the lady is not safe yet."

Neil followed his gaze. The "walls" of the tower to rippling and swaying alarmingly, and Tommy let out a high-pitched shriek as they were ripped down and he deliberately flung himself out into the air. Neil dropped the sword and rushed over, catching Tommy but being bowled to the ground in the process.

He stared up at the sky for a moment, wondering if he'd managed to break something, and hoping he could convince whatever doctor he saw to make the hospital bill exorbitant, because really, what the actual fuck, Adam.

Tommy, on the other hand, had buried his face in Neil's chest and was giggling like crazy. And, okay, that almost made it worth it.

"Hey," Sasha called, "you're not done yet."

Tommy got off of him and then helped him up, and he flipped Sasha off as he said, "Fair maiden, art thou harmed?"

"Nay, good sir," Tommy replied with a coy little smirk and a wobbly little curtsy. "But what wilt thou do with me now?"

"I shall bringeth thee home with me, for my Father shalt be thrilled I hath found my princess so soon," Neil answered. "Come," he added, offering Tommy his hand.

Tommy took it, and Neil led him over to the horse. He kicked Taylor on the way past, saying, "Dead people don't fucking laugh," which made him laugh harder. What the fuck.

Of course, the horse had apparently decided that _Neil_ was the crazy one, and kept shying away as Neil tried to grab his reins. "What the fucking fuck," he exploded finally, giving up. "Adam, you get to deal with the batshit horse!"

He turned and eyed Tommy, who was manfully trying to suppress laughter, then strode over and tossed him over his shoulder.

"What the hell, Neil?" Tommy yelped, bracing his hands against Neil's back. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Carrying you off into the sunset like Adam's fucked up script says," Neil answered, turning on his heel and striding out of the clearing towards the setting sun. He ignored the catcalls from his brother and the others, and added with a scowl, "You have no idea how much make up sex you owe me now."

Tommy laughed and waved at Isaac's camera. "Like, a lot."

"Fuck yes," Neil agreed.


End file.
